Lately, I have been studying the effects of cortisol on the human body. For those of you don’t know, I have been a bit of a health nut my whole life and got my B.S. in Biomedical Science so that I could understand how to read articles from the National Institute of Health and Medicine.
Cortisol AKA “the stress hormone” is the body’s natural hormone response to a triggering event. There are pros and cons to having cortisol in the body, however, this article is written through the lens of how cortisol impacts relationships.
When you first meet your signifcant other, the most present hormone in the body that comes through those interactions is oxytocin. Think “happy hormone” or “euphoria”. Seriously, it makes us do crazy stuff like stay up all night talking, be overtly goofy, or makeout for hours on end in the backseat of a buick rental in the middle of the night. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience here.
Most relationships deteriorate because of the unknowing contributions of cortisol both people make in the relationship. This causes natural separation and breakdown of the relationship because that is simply how God designed us. I mean, who in their right mind would stay with someone who stresses them out? Unfortunately, just as many of us do not measure our own contributions of cortisol to the relationship, we also do not take the time to measure how much oxytocin we are contributing to the relationship as well. As soon cortisol becomes the primary hormone expressed in the relationship, you are in for a wakeup call.
This is NOT a justification for divorce, but rather, an opportunity to look inwardly to see how you are stressing out your spouse. I can tell you that in reflection, I have been the greatest source of cortisol in my spouse life when I should have been her source of happiness. I became the source of cortisol because it was my own decisions that led us to financial ruin, no emotional intimacy, and unnecessary pressure on her from my own expectations. What I needed (and what I got) was individual development to become wiser with finances, more adept emotionally, and became someone who can love Sydnie with open arms.
I can now love my spouse without expectation because I recognize that she isn’t mine anymore because she doesn’t want to be – and who am I to blame her? I had been the largest source of stress in her life for years. Don’t let me confuse you, there is nothing wrong with having expectations in a healthy marriage, but when your marriage is falling apart the best thing you can do is drop the expectations and learn how to love unconditionally. Seriously, try it. There is so much freedom for you in releasing your spouse.
Your spouse may actually be wrong for what they are doing or how they are treating you, but you do not control them or what they do. You can only control yourself. The best path forward for your relationship is to make the unconscious (expectations/unresolved hurt) conscious, so that you can understand fully yourself before trying to make your spouse change. In gaining new understanding of who you are, you can take practical steps to elevate your game through individual development. Doing this will either prompt your spouse to up their game and repair the relationship with you, or prepare you to be a better person for your next relationship. Either way, you can’t lose.
One of the things I have done is make a list of what makes me happy and joyful. I try to do one or two of these things on my list per day so that I have a more joyful demeanor. I am actively taking steps to alleviate my own cortisol so that I do not have any to dump out on my beloved when I interact with her. Now that I am in a more healthy place I am able to work on helping alleviate the cortisol in her life – something that was not possible before because I needed to clean the clutter out of my own heart first.
Just imagine what it would be like in your relationship if each of you prioritized taking care of yourself to alleviate your stress so that you could come together with no toxicity in the relationship. Kinda sounds like the honeymoon season to me. This is why I say, the ‘honeymoon’ season is only a season if you stop doing what brought you together in the first place: making each other happy. It makes zero sense why we let external circumstances affect our marital relationship because, believe it or not, there is a way to deal with a financial crisis/hardship/other life problems without treating your spouse like the enemy. You get to choose whether you react and cause chaos or respond and cause deeper intimacy.
The challenges you face in life are opportunities to go grow into deeper intimacy with your spouse….or not. Again, you get to choose if you react or respond. Maybe the thing wreaking havoc in your relationship is your own unknown, unspoken, or unrealistic expectations.
I hope that reading this helps you look inwardly to see how you need to change. An extraodinary marriage is possible if we each individually choose to become extraordinary people.
What are you doing that is stressing your spouse out?
Grey Bonin 
Leave a comment